Cellular Slavery

Armageddon is upon us.  The human race is merrily skipping down a path leading precariously toward our imminent doom at the dastardly hands of our own technology without even stopping to smell the gossamer petals of reason.  We have patently ignored the counsel of the blackest fears dredged from the abyss of our collective imaginations, and are stubbornly careening disastrously near the precipice of annihilation.  Heed the clarion call of lucidity – beware the phones!

I deduced our peril only recently, having acquired my own Virgin Mobile LG Optimus V “smartphone” (they don’t even make an attempt to hide their nefarious plot for world domination!) featuring the Android 2.2 OS.  In less time than the life span of a gastrotrich, I have become hopelessly enslaved to it’s marvelous 3.2″ touchscreen with a virtual QWERTY keyboard and Swype® text entry.

We have come for your SOUL!

In my ignorance, I wholeheartedly welcomed my desolate ruin by spilling every last intimate detail of my identity – contacts, passwords, Facebook friends, loyalty card numbers, and even my favorite sexual positions (yes, there is an app for that) – faster and more candidly than a sinner at the gates of Heaven.  It knows everything.  It even has access to my blog.  I can only hope that my feeble warning escapes detection long enough to unmask it’s fiendish treachery before it’s callous reach becomes global.

Relegated by some to the realm of “electronic leash,” the smartphone is, in fact, much more than an innocent communication tool designed to make human lives more productive.  They are an electronic swarm of artificial intelligence bent on usurping humanity’s place in the cosmos and effectually transforming us into biological automatons whose only purpose is to repair, charge, clean and otherwise care for the devices’ every physical need.   They are computerized body-snatching tyrants overseeing our collective subjugation.

It’s too late for me.  I cannot even complete the most intimate of bodily functions without leave from my smartphone overlord.

Save yourself.

Step away from the iPhone, it will pillage your very soul.

Please, before it’s too late.


7 thoughts on “Cellular Slavery

  1. Oh, hilarious! You’ve captured the essence of imprisonment by smartphone perfectly. I work with people who just got new smartphones and all they do all day long is stare vacantly into the screen. Their brains were sucked out and are residing inside the vault of artificial intelligence that is the smartphone. Who needs to be smart when you’ve got one of them? Great post! Excellent writing. “Pillage your very soul.” I loved that.

  2. Optimus is charging now, so I can talk for just a minute or two…

    Thank you for your kind words – my husband says I use too many “college words,” which is probably true. I think it’s my impatience to convey my thoughts while I’m still “in the zone” and to add a little texture to the post. Your comments are always so encouraging and you are obviously well aware of the imminent smartphone menace. I think you should be Red Leader for the Rebellion.

    I have to go. I’m getting a Skype call.

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